Most people don’t know HPV can cause throat and tonsil cancer.
So they don’t start by asking, “Was it HPV?”
They start with the usual assumptions:
“You never smoked… so what caused it?”
“How did you get it?”
“Why you?”
And eventually, when someone finally says, “It was caused by HPV”, the mood shifts.
There’s a pause. A look. Then the line that changes everything:
“So… that’s an STI then?”
That’s when the judgement kicks in. Not because the person with cancer has done something wrong — but because other people don’t know what to do with the word “sex”, so they reach for blame.
As Stephen Bergman put it: “I don’t see my cancer as a judgement… I was just really unlucky.”
And for many people, that’s the truth.
Victoria Workman described the shock at diagnosis perfectly: “I didn’t understand the HPV bit when I was told about my cancer.” Most people don’t.
The stigma isn’t “just awkward” — it can wreck lives
HPV-related throat cancer doesn’t just land in someone’s body. It often lands right in the middle of a relationship.
That’s why the Throat Cancer Foundation can end up doing a job we never advertised for: relationship counsellor.
Because after “HPV” and “STI” get said out loud, the fear starts:
“Does this mean someone cheated?”
“Should we stop kissing?”
“Am I at risk?”
“Do we need testing?”
“Do we have to tell people?”
So let’s get a few things straight.
Myths and facts people need to stop repeating
Myth: “HPV means you or your partner must have slept around.”
Fact: It does not automatically mean you or your partner had lots of sexual partners, or anything “unacceptable”. HPV is incredibly common, and most people who get it will never know.
Myth: “If it’s HPV, someone must have been unfaithful.”
Fact: An HPV infection definitely does not mean anyone has had sex outside the relationship. Jumping to cheating is guesswork that can cause real damage.
Myth: “Oral sex is unusual, so this must be rare.”
Fact: Oral sex is normal for most people. UK surveys found around 75% of men and 65% of women born between 1946–1955 reported ever giving or receiving oral sex, rising to over 90% among men and women born 20 years later. So no, it’s not some fringe behaviour.
Myth: “My partner is now at high risk.”
Fact: Your partner is not at any greater risk than anyone else. Most long-term partners will already have shared any HPV infection, and most people naturally clear active infection. People diagnosed with HPV-related throat cancer generally do not need to change sexual behaviour with their partner because of the diagnosis.
Myth: “We should do HPV testing to prevent throat cancer.”
Fact: Testing isn’t considered useful for preventing throat cancer, because there’s no treatment that reliably clears HPV from the body, and a positive test doesn’t tell you who you got it from or when.
Myth: “I should tell past partners.”
Fact: There’s no need to inform past partners. Most people get HPV at some point and clear it naturally without any ill-effects.
Myth: “Genital warts caused this.”
Fact: Warts are caused by different HPV types and do not mean you caused your throat cancer.
Fact that actually matters
Since HPV is so hard to avoid, nobody should feel responsible, blamed, or guilty for catching it — or for developing cancer.
What to say instead (if you want to help, not harm)
If someone tells you their throat cancer was caused by HPV, try these:
“I’m sorry you’re going through this. How are you coping?”
“What’s the hardest part right now?”
“How can I help — practically?”
“How are you both doing?”
If you’re the partner, one sentence beats a hundred questions:
“We’re a team. No blame.”
The point
When someone discloses HPV, they’re not confessing to anything. They’re trying to explain a diagnosis.
So stop turning it into a sex story. Stop looking for someone to blame. And stop making people carry shame on top of cancer.
If you’re struggling with the impact of HPV-related throat cancer on your relationship, you’re not alone — and yes, we’ve had these conversations more times than we can count.
If you have been affect by this is someway and wish to support our work click here now to donate or start your own fundraiser. https://www.justgiving.com/campaign/throatcancerfoundation
They start with the usual assumptions:
“You never smoked… so what caused it?”
“How did you get it?”
“Why you?”
And eventually, when someone finally says, “It was caused by HPV”, the mood shifts.
There’s a pause. A look. Then the line that changes everything:
“So… that’s an STI then?”
That’s when the judgement kicks in. Not because the person with cancer has done something wrong — but because other people don’t know what to do with the word “sex”, so they reach for blame.
As Stephen Bergman put it: “I don’t see my cancer as a judgement… I was just really unlucky.”
And for many people, that’s the truth.
Victoria Workman described the shock at diagnosis perfectly: “I didn’t understand the HPV bit when I was told about my cancer.” Most people don’t.
The stigma isn’t “just awkward” — it can wreck lives
HPV-related throat cancer doesn’t just land in someone’s body. It often lands right in the middle of a relationship.
That’s why the Throat Cancer Foundation can end up doing a job we never advertised for: relationship counsellor.
Because after “HPV” and “STI” get said out loud, the fear starts:
“Does this mean someone cheated?”
“Should we stop kissing?”
“Am I at risk?”
“Do we need testing?”
“Do we have to tell people?”
So let’s get a few things straight.
Myths and facts people need to stop repeating
Myth: “HPV means you or your partner must have slept around.”
Fact: It does not automatically mean you or your partner had lots of sexual partners, or anything “unacceptable”. HPV is incredibly common, and most people who get it will never know.
Myth: “If it’s HPV, someone must have been unfaithful.”
Fact: An HPV infection definitely does not mean anyone has had sex outside the relationship. Jumping to cheating is guesswork that can cause real damage.
Myth: “Oral sex is unusual, so this must be rare.”
Fact: Oral sex is normal for most people. UK surveys found around 75% of men and 65% of women born between 1946–1955 reported ever giving or receiving oral sex, rising to over 90% among men and women born 20 years later. So no, it’s not some fringe behaviour.
Myth: “My partner is now at high risk.”
Fact: Your partner is not at any greater risk than anyone else. Most long-term partners will already have shared any HPV infection, and most people naturally clear active infection. People diagnosed with HPV-related throat cancer generally do not need to change sexual behaviour with their partner because of the diagnosis.
Myth: “We should do HPV testing to prevent throat cancer.”
Fact: Testing isn’t considered useful for preventing throat cancer, because there’s no treatment that reliably clears HPV from the body, and a positive test doesn’t tell you who you got it from or when.
Myth: “I should tell past partners.”
Fact: There’s no need to inform past partners. Most people get HPV at some point and clear it naturally without any ill-effects.
Myth: “Genital warts caused this.”
Fact: Warts are caused by different HPV types and do not mean you caused your throat cancer.
Fact that actually matters
Since HPV is so hard to avoid, nobody should feel responsible, blamed, or guilty for catching it — or for developing cancer.
What to say instead (if you want to help, not harm)
If someone tells you their throat cancer was caused by HPV, try these:
“I’m sorry you’re going through this. How are you coping?”
“What’s the hardest part right now?”
“How can I help — practically?”
“How are you both doing?”
If you’re the partner, one sentence beats a hundred questions:
“We’re a team. No blame.”
The point
When someone discloses HPV, they’re not confessing to anything. They’re trying to explain a diagnosis.
So stop turning it into a sex story. Stop looking for someone to blame. And stop making people carry shame on top of cancer.
If you’re struggling with the impact of HPV-related throat cancer on your relationship, you’re not alone — and yes, we’ve had these conversations more times than we can count.
If you have been affect by this is someway and wish to support our work click here now to donate or start your own fundraiser. https://www.justgiving.com/campaign/throatcancerfoundation
