A Wreck Inside, But Never Admitted

A series of short poems by Jon Organ, shared with openness about his experience and his inner thoughts during his throat cancer treatment.

Follow Jon on Instagram: @jonscancerlarydiary

Honest thoughts about my throat cancer treatment

This corridor of hope beckons ahead.
Lungs puffed with air, head full of dread.
Elongated lights our landing strip high.
So full of hope, eyes longing to dry.
Diverted thoughts of lessons with mother.
Telling me just one foot, then the other.
This gown brings relief it being so cold.
Pressing on skin now looking so old.
All of this just a passage in time.
Nothing is real a distant chime.
The mask is lowered and clamped into place.
Eyes tight shut heart in a race.
Another day over as clothes refitted.
A wreck inside but never admitted…

And So, It Begins

So here it is chairs in a row.
Clean like new in this morning glow.
This is where our day will start.
In this room adorned with donated art.
This is where answers sought.
Plans will be planned time will be bought.
This is us free papers read.
Diverting minds from impending dread.
Nuclear medicine a name in war.
I guess that’s the case as never before.
And here it is my name is called.
As strong as I am nobody’s fooled.

I must not cry, I must not cry

Hush they say to themselves, you know that it’s not me.
Cowardly corner, hugging down on bended knee.
Don’t speak now, hold it in, the stillness that’s in mind.
Desperation prodding but inside you will find.
Pull that vail down tightly you can hide deep in lies.
Hush the words spiral that nobody here tries.
Motionless on dry land motionless at sea.
It’s not where you are right now, but where your thoughts will be.
You can move they say slightly, nothing but a blur in each eye.
A child in a child screaming just longing to cry.
Hey, hey, hold on grab this jacket of pure hope.
It’s the craziness of night and the darkness of doctor’s dope.
Pulled below coping pulled down in this bog we’re no masked superhero.
Just walking the big black dog.

Just Another Day

Another day over and crossed of the date.
Another trip that’s done and locked the rear gate.
Another treatment that’s passed and truly forgotten.
Another thought of dread that’s left at the bottom.
Another opioid taken just to give respite
Another dark cold soul in this restless night.
Another mind blown apart with such stress and such doubt.
Another test I had passed and didn’t fall out.
Another tear wiped away and cream that’s applied.
Another pat on the back this day we survived.
Another day I am burnt but no holiday sun.
Another day to be told “I’m just getting it done!”

Today Will be The Day that Makes It All Different

This morning rises bleeding through blinds.
Time to get up and unbox our minds.
The edge of the bed is my place that I sit.
Contemplating the day with the stiffness and grit.
This day ahead and what it will hold.
The doctors I meet with news to be told.
Right lets go let’s get in gear.
My father would say a boot to the rear.
Ambulance will come, though usually late.
Driving through traffic I will contemplate.
We know what’s on the menu today.
Chemo it is to take cancer away.
Made myself comfy coffee in hand.
Arm has been cleaned nurse has it planned.
Sharp scratch are words that she has said.
The anxiety is banging drums in my head.
So, this is my day sitting right here.
I will do it with hope.
But a mind that’s unclear.

I Just Didn’t Sign Up for This

Life is so fragile Suzie said, and I guess what she says is right.
Fragility surrounds us all and desperation in the night.
Our frightened souls and meekness as mice.
Our aching bodies and gripped pain in vice.
As we ride into battle clenched sword in hand.
My life is not what I had planned.
So, we hold this great Stallion as much as we try.
We scream and shout, out aloud our war cry.
Let this day be drawn to a close and
Leave us a while just to compose.
So, we’ll arrive at our Castle, safely but light.
And sooth this aching body and bid you good night.
For tomorrow we’ll rise into battle once more
And we’ll come home triumphant as never before.
So, let’s stand proud and move away from the wraith.
We have this in hand just keeping the faith.

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